Tips to Get Started

[John]

When Allie and I started this adventure we did not sit around the dining room table discussing the rules with endless conversations. We jumped in and had fun. We were (and are) on the same page with a complete understanding of what we enjoy doing in the lifestyle. That said, over the years I have observed some common-sense facts that may be helpful to those of you getting started.

1. There is no right or wrong way to enter the lifestyle. Their is only "your" way. Maybe you are the type of couple that needs to have numerous conversations before you dive in. Perhaps you want to start with full swap in different rooms. None of that is as important as communicating and being on the same page as your partner.

2. Avoid couples who are not on the same page aka "drama". These couples are harder to spot when they are hidden behind a profile on a dating site but are easier to detect when you meet them in person. If one half of the couple starts talking 'shit' behind their partner's back, run for the hills. Avoid drama at all costs and move on. If a couple is not on the same page, it won't end well.

3. Swinging cannot fix your relationship. Period. It might enhance your relationship. It may even bring you closer but it will not fix problems. I've seen it first hand and it is not pretty. A fine wine with dinner can make a meal more enjoyable. But if one of you is doing this to push your partner, it's like pouring wine down a drunk's gullet. If there is a problem in your relationship swinging can be like a magnifying glass that may blow up your problems at an astronomical rate.

4. Stand on the shoulders of giants. Swinging has been around for a long time. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. Be respectful to all swingers past, present and future. An author once said, "We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they, and things at a greater distance, not by virtue of any sharpness of sight on our part, or any physical distinction, but because we are carried high and raised up by their giant size." During your travels, you will likely meet people older and younger than you. More experienced and less experienced. You can learn something from everyone.

5. Now that I have quoted a fancy-pants author, I will add, "You don't have to over-intellectualize swinging." See observation 1. It is great to hear other's experiences but you should not feel a need to model your behavior based on what others do in the lifestyle. Every couple is unique. As long as you are communicating well and respect your partner and others, you will fit right in.

6. Play at the lowest common denominator. When you are on the same page with your partner you will understand what you and your partner want to do and be able to express your desires clearly to another couple. If a couple does not want to play at your comfort level, don't take it personally. Move on, keep interacting and you will find a couple who enjoys playing the way you do.

7. Never break your rules during play. If you and your partner have discussed doing (naughty sex act) and in the middle of play it comes up, make sure you discuss or get a signal from your partner before plowing ahead.

8. Be approachable, outgoing and smile. Confidence is sexy. Many new couples have a preconceived notion that swingers are going to jump their bones as soon as they arrive. It might happen but more times than not, new couples are frustrated as to why they got little to no 'attention' at the event. Most swingers don't want to jump in bed with a couple that is unsure of themselves...aka potential drama.  So it will be up to you to get to know people and make them feel comfortable with your newly found sexual appetite.

This is your adventure. Hold hands, dance and flirt with each other. When you are having fun together, chances are, others will notice and will likely be drawn to your energy.

9. Try to have no expectations other than having fun with your partner. If you approach any swinger outing with a, "let's see what the night brings" attitude, great things are more likely to happen. If you have an agenda, checklist or bed-post that needs marking, you will likely become frustrated. Relax and go with a flow. It's not a race, more like a jog in the park with your partner and new friends. You might have the legs to speed way ahead of them, but where is the fun in that?

What do you think can help new couples?  New couples, do you have fears/questions that need answering?

Looking forward to your responses,

John

[24Fun]

As always John, Thanks!  How do you politely so no and what's the etiquette for not accepting someone's friend request?  So far neither has been a problem but there sure have been possibilities.  Rob

[John]

As always John, Thanks!  How do you politely so no and what's the etiquette for not accepting someone's friend request?  So far neither has been a problem but there sure have been possibilities.  Rob

Thanks!

Do you mean in a club/potential play situation or are you referring to online dating?

If it is a club/resort/house party....I can speak to that since we've been to many parties. You might try blaming your "no" on your "newness". There is nothing wrong with saying, "We're new and we are not comfortable playing yet." This works for as long as you are new. But once a couple sees you getting down in a wild group room with others, you may have to reevaluate your method.   I don't consider this lying or misleading. It's an honest way of saying "no thanks" instead of "not in a million years".

The mantra "no means no" is truly widely accepted. Depending on the situation, there are numerous polite and respectful ways of saying it with without bruising egos.

What is the etiquette for not accepting someone's friend request? Do you mean an adult dating site or more vanilla sites like Facebook? Or do you mean in person?

John

[24Fun]

Thanks John,  We haven't been to a club yet but we are getting close.  It's just finding the day we'll do it.  I was referring to friending on the date sites primarily.  It's a little awkward when the response could be blasted throughout the community.  I ran across one yesterday where the couple actually posted a terse goodbye since they had apparently been turned down a number of times because of their young age.  Usually it's the other way around.  This is a hoot!  Wish I'd discovered it 20 years ago.  Like you say, it sure beats bowling!  By the way, we are strongly considering the Desire trip next April based on your suggestion.  I have got to see the moat full of Gators! ...and enjoy the other activities, of course 

Best to Allie,
Rob

[John]

Hi Rob,

We don't do much online dating (practically zero) because we prefer the clubs/parties. That said, we are members of many of the sites because they are a great resource for finding local parties.

Many of the "friends" on the sites we belong to are indeed people we have enjoyed in person and others are anonymous listeners of the show. Or..Back to the bowling analogy....we've bowled with some of our friends but others have only heard fun audio clips about us rolling balls down, um, the Alley. 

We will be happy to show you the moat full of gators and the pool full of Cougars!  Hope to meet you in Mexico.

John

[24Fun]

Thanks John,  As new as we are, we are finding the online dating somewhat cumbersome.  It has influenced our decision to go on the next Desire trip greatly  .  You can keep the gators but I am holding you to your offer to show me the cougars...ALL of them if there is time  .  Melissa and I listen to the podcasts almost daily and talk about the topics all the time.  That said we are VERY much looking forward to bowling with, I mean meeting ( ) you and Allie!

Here's to Cancun,
Rob

[mbfun02]

John
Thanks for the advice. Love the Shows

[Ian+Kate]

Yes indeed, thank you for the advice and the great shows.

[SydneyFirstTimers]

We feel the same: The podcasts are just invaluable. Particularly the ones where you sit down with a bunch of women, and a bunch of men, independently, and interview them about "the lifestyle".
Can't thank you enough.
You guys, along with Dan Savage and Chris Ryan (Sex at Dawn) have done wonders for us as a couple.  Appreciated.

[Uptowner]

Good tips. Enjoying the podcasts. Thank you guys.

[matsail]

John and Allie,  Thanks for sharing your experiences.  Not sure how we came across your podcast, but we surely enjoyed your podcast... which led us to this site.  We are just beginning to explore .. lol
...really cool .. thanks again

[kelly_c30]

Great suggestions for newbys.  Love the podcast. Just found it a couple weeks ago.  I guess this is where I/we say "long time swinger -  first time apple user!"

[sexycple]

Only wish you two would put our more shows...